I have recently received this question:

Hello Dr. Hawkes, I found your article by accident and found these forums.

The problem is that no matter what I do, with my wife, everything is wrong. I do the dishes, and there is soap. I try to finish work early, and I didn’t tell her. Every time I do things meant to be nice for her, she doesn’t aprecciate them and instead ends up in a big argument, where she screams and yells. I can’d do things right because I am not careful, I don’t pay attention. I am a successful professional, and yet in my personal life nothing works! She doesn’t like a lot of my friends, and I don’t see them. It’s been like this, but worse and worse, for 8 years. And she doesn’t seem to see that it’s sad, sad, sad.

This is the first time I tell anybody, so I am a little emotional I am sorry. I know the answer, “talk to her”, this is what I would tell myself, but believe me, talking to her is no use. It ends up being a “just do things better, that’s easy enough”. Even sex is becoming difficult, because it’s about her her her. And yet she says she’s giving and it’s true in a way, she will do things and even when they are not perfect she beats herself up as much as she beats me for them, and that hurts too. What shall I do?

Search For Life

Here is my answer:

Dear Search for Life

You say you know the answer is “talk to her”. A better way of putting it would be “talk with her”, which is the essence of communication. You also say she beats herself up as much as she beats you up. Clearly, she is hurting. Do you know why? If not, listen for the answer. When you talk with each other, communication only happens when you are both more focused on listening to the other than on what you have to say next. Most people do the opposite, just waiting to get another word in!

In communicating, be true to yourself. You say that you have been trying in many ways to please your wife; for example, by avoiding your friends. This strategy has not got you what you wanted. It is important to see what does not work. If it does not work, I suggest you stop that approach and try something else. For sure, your wife wants a man not a mouse. Show her that you love her by being true to yourself. When you have enjoyed seeing your friends you will be more ready to enjoy seeing her. Do the washing up because you enjoy a clean kitchen, for her but also for yourself.

See what happens. If these approaches are not enough to resolve the situation, I recommend you visit a couples counsellor.

By the way, I am not a Doctor. For the record, I have worked with Counselling and Alternative Therapies since 1987 and I have a degree in Counselling.

Best wishes, Sudeva